Within Me Without Me

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

aidan's eci visit and other emotional ramblings

So last week, the early childhood intervention people came to evaluate aidan to see if he qualifies for a language/speech delay. they evaluated him on several scales - speech, cognition, fine motor, gross motor, social/emotional. he is at age level or beyond for all except the speech, which i expected. however, he's only about 6 months behind in the speech, and mostly because he doesn't complete his words or say most of them correctly, or put two together to make a sentence or complete thought. when we were listing the vocabulary, we found he has about 75 words. wow - i would have guessed a lot less. so they're going to be coming out to work with him twice per month until he turns 3, then they'll re-evaluate and see where he'll transition to from there - either the school district, a private therapist, or no services, if he really improves a lot.

i was happy that they really involved cha cha in their evaluations, and they and i asked her questions about his activities during the day. i want her to feel like she's an integral part in his development, because, of course, she is.

sometimes i feel really guilty about being here at work all day with the babies at home with someone else. i count the hours in my head that i actually get to spend with them, versus the hours that she spends. i feel even worse when i think about the times that i go to the grocery store by myself and enjoy it because it's an "escape" from having to deal with all the kids and hubby and work. as if i spend so much time with them that i have to get away. when it comes down to it, it's really just a fraction of my day. i wish i could just stay home.

there are some good things about me working. i'm building assets with a really good retirement plan, and i can retire from the county really early, since i started young. and that's not just for jerry and i to enjoy - it's to benefit all of the kids, when weddings, new houses, and new families all happen for them, we'll be ready to help financially. but right now is when i'm missing them growing up and being cute and busy and in awe of everything. right now i miss squeezing them and cuddling on the couch and exploring. i know i do as much as i can at night and on weekends, but it hurts that i can't do more. sigh. i miss my babies.


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